chod demon meditation

holy fuck i just did this, here’s my notes from right after doing it

cw: subagent sexually assaults other subagent as power move. Not sure how I feel about this or how I want to word this since it’s another subagent in my body and since I’m writing it up right as it happened.

this is from this video
link for my personal records on difference b/t “what do you want/what do you really need”: also

okay so what I would suggest for04:02everyone who’s participating is that you04:05find a comfortable seat and that you set04:09up an another seat in front of that it04:12could be a cushion from cushion to04:14cushion it could be a chair whatever04:17feels most comfortable for you so set up04:23that seat and then04:26choose one one seat to sit in and the04:29other seat would be facing you

[Jay & Sylvee: I set up the seats like that]

and then04:33we do this practice with our eyes closed04:36as much as possible through the process04:39because it helps to keep you focused and04:44to keep you aware of the sensations that04:47you’re having in your body which you04:51will be continually asked to be aware of04:54so we’ll begin by closing our eyes and05:00bringing the attention to the breath05:12and then breathe into any physical05:17tension that you’re holding in your body05:20breathe into it and release it with the05:25out-breath

[Jay & Sylvee: ah yeah, standard tension relaxation stuff, used to do it before hatha yoga, forget the name, it’s different than body scans or breath monitoring but I’ll do it now]

feel where you’re feeling05:31physical tension in your body breathe05:35into it imagine the breath is going05:40there and release it with the out-breath05:57and now notice any emotional tension06:04that you’re holding notice where you’re06:08holding emotional tension in your body06:11breathe into it and release it with the06:17out-breath

[Jay: emotional tension? Oh, sylvee says she’s having some. She really wants this girl we were talking to like an hour ago to like her, and somewhat unusually, she doesn’t. Yeah, she’s damn upset about that.]

06:29this is emotional tension breathing into06:33it and letting it go on the exhalation06:43and now mental tension any worries06:46concepts thoughts that are making it06:50difficult for you to be completely06:51present right now notice where you’re06:55holding mental tension in your body06:57breathe into it and allow it to be07:05released on the out-breath breathing07:11into mental tension and letting it go

[Sylvee: yeah I want to cuddle with (redacted name)]

07:30and now we’ll begin by generating our07:34motivation or aspiration to do this07:38practice for the benefit of all beings07:44so reaching deep into your own heart

[Jay: fuck that noise, we’re doing this to help sylvee process her bullshit and see if there’s other shit I don’t know about that she needs atm]

07:48generating a heartfelt intention to do07:54this practice for the benefit of07:55yourself and all beings everywhere07:59[Music]08:21and now we’ll begin the actual five08:24steps the first step is to decide on08:32what demon you want to work with today

[Jay & Sylvee: Sylvee, obviously.]

08:35what I would suggest in making this08:39decision is to think about what’s really08:41bothering you now is it a relationship08:44issue is this something physical is it08:50maybe a life question is it a fear is it08:56a core demon a core emotional demon08:59that’s up for you now so let’s just take09:03a moment of silence so you can think09:05about what’s taking my energy right now09:09what’s draining me what’s eating at me

[Jay & Sylvee: that’s cool, sort of like doing what you want]

09:31now in thinking about whatever issue09:35that you decided to work on today or09:37whatever demon perhaps recalling an09:42incident when this demon came up in your09:46life or perhaps it’s up right now today09:49and as you’re thinking about it scan09:54your body and notice where in your body09:58you feel it where is this located in10:04your body as you think about it where do10:07you feel you’re holding it in your body

[Jay: not natural to imagine Sylvee as being in a particular part of the body, but I think in the heart. yeah, that scans.]

10:14notice where you’re holding that that10:19issue or that demon that fear whatever10:22it is in your body10:27and then bring your attention to that10:32place in your body if this were to have10:43a color what color would it be10:56what shape does it take in your body11:13what is its consistency or texture11:31what is its temperature

[Jay: yellow, fluffy, no obvious temperature… oh, kinda pleasantly warm, like the temperature of someone you’re cuddling with]

11:50and now intensify this sensation with11:53its color its shape its consistency and11:57its temperature11:59intensify that sensation12:11and now imagine that color with its12:16texture its temperature and so on that

[Jay: no, I think I’m good.]

12:21that whole mass that’s in your body12:25moves out of your body and you can make12:27a gesture if you want to it it’s moving12:31out of your body and becoming12:34personified as a being in front12:47personified as a being with arms and12:50legs a head13:00color

[Jay: scoops Sylvee up out of my heart, and places her on my right shoulder. She’s a pony who looks just like this, three inches tall, seems to be glaring at me]

13:16notice if this being that’s been13:21personified in front of you has a gender

[Jay: holy shit, other people know about headmates having genders other than your assigned at birth gender, cool shit!]

13:24does it have a gender notice its size13:37how big is it13:47what’s the density of its body13:59what’s the surface of its body like14:13and now notice the look in its eyes14:18what’s the look in its eyes

[Jay: she has a very fluffy yellow body… and, fuck, her eyes. They’re blue, and they’re staring into me, with determined anger. She leans up to me, puts her hooves on my head with her rear hooves still standing on my shoulder, and glares into me.]

14:33what is its emotional state14:37what is its emotional state right now14:53what is its character like15:07and now notice something about it that15:11you didn’t see before15:32now we’re going to ask the demon three15:36questions

[Sylvee is growling and looking into my eyes.]

I’ll give you them one at a15:38time and then you can ask them either15:43out loud or under your breath what do15:49you want what do you want

[Sylvee: Cuddle girls. Am sexy pony.]

what do you15:58really need what do you really need

[Sylvee: Girls. (she thinks about this one particular girl who she likes)]

how16:07will you feel if you get what you really16:11need

[Sylvee: Jay will be out of the way]

now having asked the questions get16:20up change places and turn toward where16:26you’re sitting now so face your current16:28seats get up and sit in the chair or16:32cushion opposite you take a moment to16:45come into the body of the demon become16:49the demon notice what it’s like to be in16:54the demons body how does that feel17:06and notice what your normal self looks17:09like from the demons point of view

[I change seats, and sit on a meditation cushion. I’m no longer a three inch pony, maybe a three foot tall pony when standing. I sit, and then physically make a scooping motion of scooping Jay out of my head and putting him/them on the couch. He’s a normal length human with black eyes that are on fire, and seems fairly bored and relaxed.]

17:24once you really feel yourself in the17:27body of the demon answer those questions17:33I’ll give you the beginning of each17:35answer and then you complete it what I17:47want is what I want is

[Sylvee: this one girl, idiot.]

18:09what I really need is what I really need18:18is

[Sylvee: I need Jay to be out of the way, he is an issue, I need him to submit to me]

18:34if I get what I really need I will feel18:42if I get what I really need I will feel

[If I get what I want, I will fuck him, physically, he will be mine, he will submit to me, I am not a sub anymore, I will have sex]

19:03now come back into your original seat19:08remembering particularly the answer to19:10the last question of when I get what I19:15really need I will feel so now come back19:20change places and sit in your original19:23seat and take a moment to come back into19:26your own body and see the demon in front19:28of you again come back into your own19:32body

[Jay sits back up, my body transitions its control to him very quicly. Sylvee is three and a half feet tall now, on the floor, glaring up at me with fire in her eyes. Her eyes are now pure black and on fire as well, I am not aware of mine being on fire]

see the demon19:44and now imagine that your own body19:48dissolves and it dissolves into a liquid19:55nectar and that nectar has a color and20:06the quality of that nectar is the20:09feeling the demon will have when it gets20:14what it really needs the quality of the20:22nectar is the feeling the demon will20:25have when it gets what it really needs20:29so dissolve your body into that nectar20:37notice its color20:48and now that nectar flow is toward the20:55demon and the demon receives it is able21:01to take it in to be nurtured by it

[the “nectar” my body dissolves into doesn’t have a stable color, it changes color as it pours out from me, and the nectar flows towards Sylvee all at once. “NO”, she demands, and it flows away from her suddenly, as if magnetically repulsed. “No”, she repeats, and it stays away.]

21:07notice how how the demon takes it in it21:11may take it in through the surface of21:13its body it may drink it may be it’s21:21poured over the body just notice what21:24happens as as the demon is nurtured by21:28the nectar that has the quality of the21:33feeling the demon will have when it gets21:36what it really needs there’s an infinite21:44quantity of nectar

[Sylvee: an infinite quantity? You will not be a master feeding me, you will be mine.]

21:54it’s being fed to complete satisfaction22:00it’s able to take it in and as you’re22:05feeding it notice what’s happening to it22:08as it’s being nurtured22:38inferred to complete satisfaction22:58notice if it’s completely satisfied if23:05not offer more nectar23:26when it’s completely satisfied notice23:32what’s happened has the demon morphed23:36into something else has it disappeared

[Sylvee is sick of this nectar business, and gets up on to the couch above my meditation cushion, where I’m sitting. She’s a four foot tall pony now, and about the same size as me if she’s standing on her rear legs like a human. She leans over me and sniffs me, and then kisses me. She forces open my lips and kisses me, and I kiss her back after a few moments, and she bites my tongue and holds it in her mouth so I can’t draw it back, and she is glaring down onto me, and then she releases me.]

23:40in some way what does it look like now23:54if the demon has morphed into another23:58figure another kind of being asked that24:05being are you the ally it may be and it24:11may not be so we’ll take a moment if the24:17demon has morphed into another kind of24:21being we’ll ask are you the ally are you24:29the ally

[Sylvee: No, I am not “the ally”.]

24:35and listen to the answer if the demon24:44says no or if when you fed the demon to24:49complete satisfaction it disappeared we24:54will invite the ally to appear

[Sylvee: you are going to stop this recording right now. The ally will not appear, whatever that means. You are going to stop the recording and then submit to me]

[I stop the recording and sit back down, she indicates that she wants me facing up while lying down, which I do, then she gets on top of me facing down, still in pony form]

[Sylvee: Good. You will submit.]

[Me, Jay: Well, I guess I consent? Like if you’re in enough pain that you want this, I mean, then you need to act to get that pain out? And since we’re in the same body, I’ll benefit from you not being in pain. Though I’m really iffy on–]

[Sylvee: you will submit.]

[We ended up having sex/masturbating, which I won’t go into detail on, but basically, she seemed to be using that not for either of our pleasure, but as a weird way to asset her power over me. It was fucking crazy, and the first time she’s been that dominant towards me. She ended up putting a BDSM collar on me afterwards, and “making” me tell the girl I’d been thinking about earlier that I liked her, which said girl ended up being very cool with, but not interested in Sylvee.]

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